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have made some advances before now, even
though he was determined to be gentlemanly
and not rush her. There had not even been a
loving embrace, a tender kiss, not one real
sign of affection, in fact, during these months
they had lived together. `This is my home,'
she went on fiercely, her terror causing her to
raise her voice. `It's my home,' she repeated,
`and I want to stay here for ever!'
To her surprise he turned from her, as if
unable any longer to meet her agonized
stare. His tones had softened miraculously
when he spoke, although she was sure she
detected an unfathomable edge of bitterness
in them.
`Mary dear, go to bed now, and have a good
rest. It will all appear different in the
morning.'
`You're being evasive again! I asked you
about the future!' Her shoulders shook with
uncontrolled sobs and Damns turned swiftly,
his underlip caught between his teeth. She
watched his shadowed eyes travel over her,
coming to rest at last on the wedding ring she
wore. A nerve pulsed at the side of his mouth;
he seemed almost to be in the depths of
despair. And suddenly his unhappiness
penetrated, making a deep impression on
her. It was borne upon her that although he
had made allowances for her she was now
making no such allowances for him. Because
she was ready to come to him, she had taken
it for granted that he was ready to come to
her.
It had never for a moment entered her head
that he
also might have undergone a change as a
result of the separation, that his desire for
her, denied so long, would have to be
reawakened. How selfish she had been! - con-
cerned with her own feelings and desires and
giving no thought whatsoever to those of her
husband.
She said, in a small contrite voice, `I'm sorry,
Damos. I've taken too much for granted, I
think.' She looked at him through her tears.
He was still staring fixedly at her wedding
ring. `I'll be good and patient, as you want
me to be,' and because he still seemed
unable to take his eyes off her ring she added
softly, and with a tender note to her voice,
`When it was put on my finger I was loved
and wanted, wasn't I, Damos?'
He nodded and said,
`Yes, Mary, when it was placed there you
were loved and wanted.'
Her eyes were lifted to his, pleadingly.
`And I'll be loved and wanted again? Tell me I
will, Damos, for I'm so afraid - so very afraid. I
have only you, remember, and - and although
perhaps it's my condition, I feel so dependent
on you. I need you, Damos, to love me and
take care of me - always.' He was unable to
speak; she knew for sure that he was deeply
moved and instinctively she made it easier
for him by adding, `Just tell me that I'll be
loved and wanted again; and with that I'll be
quite satisfied, I promise.' Her manner was
tenderly seductive as she took a few steps
that brought her closer to him. She was
resigned to the fact that that he had no
immediate desire for her, but she was
desperate for re-assurance about the future.
`Tell me, please, Damos!'
He hesitated no longer, but said quietly,
`Yes, Mary, you'll be loved and wanted again.'
But then he changed the subject abruptly,
telling her to go to bed, to forget everything
but the need for rest. She went to bed
immediately, but she lay with the light on,
going over in her mind the scene that had
begun with elation on her
part and ended with such bitter
disappointment. As she examined every word
and incident she found her mind in chaos. For
although Damos had intimated that he him-
self felt differently towards her and must
readjust - which meant in effect that his
desire for her had waned - only a few minutes
previously she had been acutely aware of
desire burning in his eyes ...
Still unable to catch the threads of sleep,
Mary got out of bed an hour later, and paced
the room. So often she had put down her
suspicions to the state of her mind. And she
had to admit that it did seem to play her up a
great deal, but as she had lain there in the
bed, examining every detail of the
conversation that had taken place between
Damos and herself, she knew that the flaws
had nothing to do with her imagination. In
any case, one particular incident, eclipsing all
others, proved to her beyond any doubt at all
that something was seriously amiss.
And the particular incident was the fact of her
noting the unmistakable evidence of desire in
his eyes. It had been the one unguarded
moment in the whole scene, a moment which
she had caught, and held, and which was
vividly alive in her mind at the present time.
Damos had wanted her, and yet he had thrust
her from him, fighting his desire as if the act
of making love to her was some sort of crime
which must at all costs be resisted.
Yes, there was no longer any doubt in Mary's
mind. Something was seriously amiss.
CHAPTER SEVEN
THE more she dwelt on the situation existing
between Damos and herself the greater
loomed Mary's uncertainty about her future.
And so worked up would she become that she
would weep copious tears, hiding herself
away in some secluded spot in the garden, so
that her
husband should not know.
`I'm making a mountain out of a molehill,' she
would tell herself one minute in a desperate
attempt to throw off her ever-nagging
anxiety. `If I were suffering from a physical
illness then Damos would naturally have to
wait, and a mental disorder is not much
different.' But the next moment she would be
reflecting on his words about needing to
readjust, and in the cold light of day those
words would seem like evasion, a fobbing off, [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]