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Reverend Everything told the congregation that the way to become
One with the Universe was to let your soul float free. Money was the
ballast holding you down on the bottom of the great Cosmic Sea where
the Crabs of Crotchetyness would nibble your toes and the Remoras of
Remorse stood poised to suck the good karma out of you. The people
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r r
groaned and made bubbling noises with their lips on hearing this.
Yet there was hope. Or, in the Reverend's own words, "But wait!
There's more!" He then called upon his lovely assistants to bring forth
those worshipers who had given up the most ballast at the previous
week's service. These finny handmaidens too were dressed like rejects
from a Las Vegas-based road company of Hans Christian Andersen's
The Little Mermaid. Their fishtails made walking up and down the
aisles a chore, so they settled for announcing the names of the favored
through microphones disguised as lobsters.
With joyous sounds last heard on episodes of Flipper, the chosen ones
came forward, walking down the center aisle and up the steps to the
deck surrounding the dolphin tank. One by one they were taken
behind a dressing screen only to emerge shortly thereafter wearing
swimsuits. Peez was impressed to see so many people mastering
Reverend Everything's own talent for doing a quick change act until
she noticed that the screen also concealed a picked
team of additional assistants who could get the clothes off a body
faster than a horny sixteen-year-old.
As soon as a worshiper emerged from behind the screen, he or she
was escorted to the edge of the dolphin tank where the Reverend
Everything was waiting, crystal trident in hand. He said a few words
about there being a tide in the affairs of men, going with the flow, life
as a river, the fount of all knowledge, sinners being pond scum, and
brooking no arguments from any outsiders who decried the methods
of the Soulhaven Retreat and Starchild Immersionarium because
such drips were spiritual wet blankets.
Then he used his trident to swat the Seeker into the pool. The
dolphins, aka Starchildren, swam around each new visitor happily,
sometimes taking an interest, sometimes ignoring him completely.
That was all right, though, because the Reverend's earlier preachings
had made sure to point out that it was the Seeker's soul that the
Starchildren would touch, and every person emerging from the tank
insisted that he or she had been very touched indeed.
It was all deeply moving. In fact, it moved those members of the
congregation who had not been chosen this week to renew their
charitable zeal and fill the collection baskets to overflowing.
Afterwards, a fishnet curtain descended from on high, veiling the tank
as the congregation made their exit while the organ played selections
from Handel's Water Music over a tape recording of whale songs.
These sounds mingled sweetly with the squish, squish, squish of
improperly dried feet ruining costly Italian leather shoes. As the great
doors of the sanctuary closed behind the departing Seekers, the
Reverend Everything removed his shell tiara and fake beard. He
ducked behind the dressing screen with a happy sigh whose meaning
might have signified either satisfaction in a ministry
well fulfilled or Thank God that's over!
Peez had her own convictions as to which one it was.
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r r
"That does it," she told the air. "I quit."
"What did you say?" Reverend Everything stuck his head out from
behind the screen. He looked sincerely concerned.
"You heard me," Peez said. "I quit. This is not the right line of work
for me. If the future of E. Godz, Inc. is going to depend on someone
who's able to put up with watching this kind of hijinks with a big old
Miss America smile on her face, I'm out. I'm leaving the field to my
brother, Dov. Let him hitch a ride on the hurdy-gurdy, but I'm getting
off now." She stood up and headed for the steps leading down from
the tank deck.
The crystal trident drove into the wooden stair tread just an inch
ahead of her poised foot. She jerked her head back to stare at the
Reverend Everything, who had thrown the shining weapon with such
extraordinary accuracy. Her expression was one of complete surprise
seasoned with grudging admiration for such speed, panache, and
marksmanship. He shrugged it all away.
"I used to work in the movies," he said.
"Really." This was old news to Peez, who had read up on the
Reverend's background on the flight to L.A. Teddy Tumtum had [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]